...+*Am I...*+...

A work that I love the expression the most...can you tell what is the expression I'm trying to show?


My answer is : A person she loves, she's looking at him, staring, and wonder...he propose to her...but all she felt is pain in her heart...why she felt like this, there's a big reason behind the story...



Tools : Mechanical pencil, Photoshop CS3

...::Miku Hatsune:FanArt::...

Hi guys ^^
Long time I didn't upload anything due to my project busyness...This is a fanart I done on Miku...well I kinda like her fashion but I'm not sure anything bout this anime...I'm just following the trend to draw a fanart of her...hope you guys loves this ^^

Took me 5 hours for everything...


Tool : Photoshop CS3

.+*Misunderstanding*+.

Some misunderstanding is going on...yes, a major stupid mistake but not from me...it's her. She got my msg but make it wrong all by herself. Well ok fine...but the most funny thing is, she's kinda acting up in Facebook. Saying something stupid like this,

"I am sorry for being your cause of misery~"

"It's too late to apologize~ It's too late~"

"I am glad that you're happy with ur life now. I'll try to erase u from my memory. Good bye forever. I'll treat like we never met."

I mean like...WTF~????
What's the meaning of this damn shit????

I didn't say I hate you and wanna stop being your friend???
I just said I won't be treating you the same as before only...and now she got all this bunch of nonsense in her head.

*knock knock...Uhh...Hello?
I said I only will treat you different and I did said I forgive you... Does that mean you have to end our fucking relationship just like this with all what you want?

Maybe just like I knew you from before till now...You really do not understand me at all...you just decide what kind of personality I have without digging in my life and my personality...like last time...how can you direct decided yourself saying I am a person that look down on other people while I know myself I never done something like this?

A best friend of mine is accusing me on some reckless and nonsense personality that I don't have...And decided whatever she wants just from appearance that I have...I mean like...this is so shit...so damn shit...what the HELL is this????

From you? Why don't you look at yourself first before you decide something about me?

You know what? Your mum says your stupid and you really are one...if this is what you want then fine...I'm ok with this...since I already get over myself from you...so whatever happens, don't you ever EVER remember me...this is what you had chosen...

Turning back is pointless already...

There is a time where people says "好马不吃回头草". A word that passed down from generations to generations. And I know this meaning deeply. Ever since she walked away from my life, my life has become deeply down and lifeless because I also need to live through her cruelty of ignorance. If it wasn't my friend who talked to her...till this day she won't even care about me at all...

I got her sms yesterday, 26 November 2009 at 11.34pm while I was enjoying my Twilight movie. A bit spoiled my mood already but I didn't read. I kept it till the movie ends then I open it. After I read, I don't feel anything. I guess I'm numb already towards her. Especially the one she said she cried while she was typing the sms to me. Then suddenly something came in my mind. "She can cry?"

She cut me too deep. Deep enough I can make myself drown and suffocate. And it took me a month to get over her. Those days I suffer all day long. I can't even look at her, I can't even sleep cos of her, I can't even stop crying cos of her, I can't even do my work cos of her, I can't even talk cos of her, I am so down and miserable cos of her, I can't even take my mind off her cos of her words and lastly the worse, I can't even listen to her voice. I even get myself drunk and got home crying cos of what? For what???

Everything about her is tearing me apart. Now just one sms with a sorry word and crying. I don't think that can cover everything of what I had shed and felt for more than half year. Yes, I can forgive her and act like nothing had happen. But the only problem is, I can not be the usual self anymore. I can't laugh like always like we used to be together talking. Maybe when she ask me something I will answer it coldly with only one word of reply or maybe not.

Why? Why it has to be after a month then you apologise? Why do you apologise after I'm done pushing myself down the hole? Why do you apologise after everything ended? Why do you apologise after I'm done with you and healing myself? Why do you apologise now but not from the beginning? Your egoness is the damn thing that make you late for everything. You unrealization is the damn thing that make you looses me. If he doesn't spoke to you and talk about it you won't even care a damn thing about me, right?

You know what funny thing is when you reply me, you said do I still wanna keep ignoring you...come on man, you're the one who said you won't talk to me anymore and ignores me and now you said I ignores you? Who doesn't ignore after you said something like that?

People besides me, my other friends, told me to ignore you, told me to stop being friends with you, told me you done this once and you will do it again...but some really really ask me whether this is what I want? I even asked myself, is this what I really wanted? Reality had forced me to accept what is already done. From your attitude and those words you ever said to me make me to hate and forget. Making me to bury you deep inside my memory as someone else that walked past my life.

Days and days I keep on controlling myself from thinking bout you, avoid all the things that we ever done before, avoiding all the topics about you just to forget you. Then I end up I do not want to talk anymore. I ended up no more topics. I ended up become speechless and quiet all the time.

But now, after I am done over you, I can talk about you carefreely, I can say something about you already, I can ask about you normally and I can steadily going back to normal inclusing hearing your voice. I do not have any feelings toward you as my best friend anymore. You had become a normal person to me. You are no-body to me already. You are not special anymore to me. You are not important to me anymore. I don't need you anymore or should I say, you don't need me at all?

A Tale of a Sad Bird

"I saw u with only a wing sitting at a corner without friends and looking sadly. I approach u and be friends wit u. I make u happy all the time when u say ur not. I share u my food. I share u my shelter. I share u my buddies. I share u my love and care. I share u my life and I even teach u how to fly. When the last thing I share u is my wings, once u have gotten my half wing and u fly away from me. While me, loosing one wing and seeing u fly away from me without a thank u and even being mistreated by u...I was left behind wondering with this only one sided broken wings...from that time I knew...I was wrong from the very beginning..."

...+*Heartless by The Fray*+...

This music is so damn nice...I LOVE IT SO MUCH~~~~!!!!!!!! Heartless by The Fray...it's a new band of 4 people

• Isaac Slade – lead vocals, backing vocals, piano/keyboard (2002–present)
• David "Dave" Welsh – Guitar (2003–present)
• Joe King – rhythm guitar, backing vocals, lead vocals (2002–present)
• Ben Wysocki – drums, percussion (2003–present)

. I love this music so much...not to mention even the MTV video is so nice, wonderful and creative...

Below here I uploaded the lyrics together with the song...so it will easy for you guys to sing along...

[Chorus]
In the night, I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless...
How could you be so heartless?
Oh... How could you be so heartless?

[Verse 1]
How could you be so, cold as the winter wind when it breeze, yo
Just remember that you talkin' to me though
You need to watch the way you talkin' to me, yo
I mean after all the things that we've been through
I mean after all the things we got into
Hey yo, I know of some things that you ain't told me
Hey yo, I did some things but that's the old me
And now you wanna get me back and you gon' show me
So you walk around like you don't know me
You got a new friend, well I got homies
But in the end it's still so lonely

[Chorus]
In the night, I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless...
How could you be so heartless?
Oh... How could you be so heartless?

[Verse 2]
How could you be so Dr. Evil, you bringin' out a side of me that I don't know...
I decided we weren't gon' speak so
Why we up 3 A.M. on the phone
Why does she be so mad at me fo'
Homie I don't know, she's hot and cold
I won't stop, won't mess my groove up
'Cause I already know how this thing go
You run and tell your friends that you're leaving me
They say that they don't see what you see in me
You wait a couple months then you gon' see
You'll never find nobody better than me

[Chorus]
In the night, I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless...
How could you be so heartless?
Oh... How could you be so heartless?

[Verse 3]
Talkin', talkin', talkin', talk
Baby let's just knock it off
They don't know what we been through
They don't know 'bout me and you
So I got something new to see
And you just gon' keep hatin' me
And we just gon' be enemies
I know you can't believe
I could just leave it wrong
And you can't make it right
I'm gon' take off tonight
Into the night...

[Chorus]
...I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless...
How could you be so heartless?
Oh... How could you be so heartless?


If you're interested with this band...here I post their official site http://blog.thefray.net/us/news

You can visit their site and see what's going on...they have blog updated, videos, photos, musics, News, lyrics,forums and etc. And I can say that their official site is very interesting and wonderful...everything is so detaily updated...

Guys...you really should give it a try to this band...you won't regret this ^^



*Sometimes being heartless toward someone that doesn't love you anymore is good...keep that in mind...

Now I learned my lesson...

Back in the old days where my mum always tells me and advise me..."friends you can have but don make them your best." That time I disagree with her opinion strongly...but now...I see it already...I see everything already...it took me some time to realize but at least it's not too late by now...What my mama says is real...

Not only loosing some friends, I even felt like I wanna get away from them. I keep on feeling that, it's better to be alone than having friends. If I know I will be hurt till like this, I prefer I don have any friends from the beginning. What for I have them if they keep on hurting me and using me. Some are even try to be mature and show off saying they grown up already and wanna teach about life. Well DUH~ I know life more than you. Some are being stupid like when they being teasey on you it's ok for them, but when I tease them back they get mad and angry at me...I mean like WTF??? Ok fine, I don't even wanna bother bout this anymore. So I stop talking to people too. Cos I felt that, it's really really tiring me. I dunno how to laugh already. I felt that my life is lifeless already.

My old sickness is back too...afraid of people and hate socials. But recently, my brain started to be like, not functioning well. I can't think right anymore. I get upset and angry easily. I'd become very aggressive. I'd become someone else already. I'm different then before. Even my parents and my sister says I've changed. I'd changed a lot ever since I came to KK. Well now I know why. Thanx to those freaky-asses and today I had become what I am.

Melancholy they say...well I am a very sad and miserable and depress person. Well sorry for being what I am cos this is already the NEW me already.

"Everytime talk to you, you always angry. I don talk to u anymore next time." Well said. Then don talk to me anymore. Since every conversation u started also makes me annoyed and angry. Ever since your with that fucking rich brat you also changed a lot and become someone else already. Great, since you said that word out then fine, loosing a friend like you I am even way and more happy. I don't have to be used again or anymore. I don't have to be ur driver most of all. Since that rich brat is rich enough to help you.

Cause of you I shed tears like Hell. My heart breaks like it is broken into pieces already but continues to break and break and break again. Yes I do still feel pain but it is going numb. Once it goes numb I won't bother you anymore. I told you before, people that ever hurt me, I won't talk to them anymore. I don care either u say I am stupid or immature. If I know that person already hurts me and will continues to hurt me and still wanted me to be with that person, HELL NO.

Being friends with you for 2 years already. That fucking 2 years I see you and know you more than myself. Those 2 years I can see the Hell out of you and know what you will do and think. But I couldn't believe that you yourself, you dunno know me so much. Or should I say you don't really know me at all. If I am that kind of person that look down on other people and stuffs, from the beginning I won't be friends with you and help you till me myself also gets into trouble.

Me too also stupid. Why do I have to bother and care you since you don even bother or cares me. I should have leave you alone. I shouldn't have help you this and that. I was being dragged by you too. For what now? FOR WHAT????

Recently I started to feel that, I can't differential between right and wrong already. When ever I started to think which is right and which is wrong, I started to feel confused and black out for awhile and even felt stress. I can't think straight anymore. I even started to feel sick. Sick of everything. Recently dunno why suddenly I have a great major pain of gastric. Too many sickness and problems to deal with.

Dealing with people, I'm tired already. I chose to ignore and run away. Dealing with my health, need some time to fix it. Dealing with my assignments, I will use all my time and effort cos I must graduate no matter what.

Suffer suffer suffer...so be it.....Loneliness is meant for me from the beginning.............

I'm a Jigoku Shoujo fan...

Yo guys I'm back...too long I din really update my blog due to busy-ness and nothing to talk about...but now I'm really kinda in to this anime...indeed nice and sad...I already got season 3 and I'd just finish watching it...damn best I tell you...Now I really envy her, Enma Ai. A very sad and tragic girl...

And below here is a picture on me having the contract tattoo on my chest...showing that I'm holding a grudge on someone...well I wanna cosplay like this in this end of December to Hobbycon...muahahaha...the cheapest cosplay ever XD






Hope you guys love my pictures XD