My 1st accusation started when I was just 6 years old and the incident took place when I was still attending kindergarten. When I was being accused by this damn brat motherfucker who always picks a fight on me. Back in the old days when I was still young, naive, good tempered and way much more a person that loves to have fun and play. I was so much a down-to-earth person and friendly. But things change cause the more I grew the more I see how ugly humans are.
I was afraid of people before. I was humiliated+ hurt+bullied+harassed by a friend that I so called "best friend" back in my primary school days. When I got home I tried to tell my parents but all they do is told me to ignore her. Even if I did ignore her but still no use. Till those days I realize, I can not have any best friends. Till I went up to Junior High, I stop having any best friends. I know there are some people take me as their besties but I was too hurt those days so I end up ignoring them. Up until primary 6 I still being sexually harassed and it is a high school student and some middle aged people when I am younger. So I end up being a tomboy and making those angry face to look at those men who tried to come near me.
I even developed a habit by hiding in my room. Cause I felt more secure inside. I prefer it dark cause I felt calm. But my family doesn't even wanted to understand why I become like this. They scold me everyday for hiding in my safe box. I know I should be out there like other kids having fun, play hide-n-seek, play thief and robber, sports...but I don't even want to get out. I wanted to be alone. I don't want to play.
Everyday in my room, I will have deep thoughts about human and the world. I even have suicide intentions. I wanna be off from this world. Cause I know when I am disappear from this world, no one will cry for me and no one will remembers me and the world will less off something from destroying it. Almost everyday I think of disappearing.
Those days I really had a lot of trouble trying to communicate with my friends and family. Till when I was in Form 5 aka Senior High 2nd year, I wanted something for a change so I made a best friend. But till the end I found out that, she's been lying a lot of stuffs towards me. There's no more honesty of her to me. Than I started to felt lonely.
I was quiet back in the old days. I don't talk much about myself. Cause I know no matter how I say, there is no one will understand the feelings and thoughts I had in mind. So I kept everything to myself.
Until I'd finished my high schools days, I came to be asked by my mum...What I wanna be in the future? I am an art person so I love to draw especially manga and anime. So I love animation as well. I requested to take this course but I was forbidden to have this cause it has no bright future and I am not allowed to go overseas. So I end up in a local city which is next to my hometown. At 1st Graphic Design I ever asked my mum whether it is ok to take or not but I was being judged overly and being look down by my mum cause all I want is drawing. I took half year to think and think and re-think after she rejected my request on animation. Till one day she listens to my aunt in KK about how good is Graphic Design then she let me take it after she ask me I want this or not. I was like a no-life-person after being rejected this and that and no matter how much I said, and I heard from the lady at the counter says Graphic Design can learn animation as well. Then I started to think maybe I should take this cause I can change from this course.
Those days when I was in my college, I was naive and fun to be around as well and I tried to be friends with everyone. But reality comes to me and make me woke up that not everyone is nice, they took advantage of me and even back-stabbed me while I done nothing on them. Even those days I was living with my aunt and uncle too. They totally mistreated me.
I know them ever since I was a kid and I know how exactly their personality was.My aunt and uncle, at 1st they are kinda nice to me. And I know living with them is not easy but I tried to live through it. Who knows the more I obey them the more I got mistreated. Till now I still remember what they had done on me, back-stabbed my parents and one of my cousin in front of me some more. I mean like, Come On Man~ they are such a grown up, how can they acted so childish. I even clean the houses for them, clean their room, clean the whole 3 stories, even their own son room I also help to clean, clean till the last floor of the kitchen. Hey, I didn't get paid and I have to pay them every month for my room fee. And I only eat them one meal at night and sometimes I help them do the dishes.
Plus I only go out to my friends house to do assignment til almost 7pm I got back home. Just a few nights I was like this. But they ended up saying me going out every night till midnight got home. 7pm~ its
7PM...is that a midnight hour??? Huh people??? is 7pm a midnight hour??? And my uncle even compare me to my other cousin cause my cousin have to work till late night hour then he got home. But he said my other cousin go out get drunk, sipping drugs and whatsoever...and all those he back-stabbed my other cousin as well cause my cousin did not paid them room fees for some months. I know my cousin didn't do this
My cousin didn't pay them room fees and was back-stabbed like this, I paid them room fees and become their free housemaid and I was back-stabbed as well. And my aunt and uncle, man they are sure good at influencing people. They even influence me to make me hate my cousin. Ok I admit those days I also ever tried to bully my cousin cause I thought he is really that bad. But now I know the truth so I get myself away from them. And I even treated my cousin good again.
Not only in the house is like this, even at my college is the same. Some of my friends they know I have a car. So the tried to make me drive them every where. And there is this one friend, I was being nice to him and send him home cause his place is kinda near me but I have to make a big round to send him home. Well who knows I end up being order by him and at school I get loads of bullshits stuffs. I often get judge cause of my outlooks and they way they say it is totally mean. So slowly i change my outlooks.
In Semester 2 I finally moved out from that house and live with my lecturer and other girl housemates and I made friends with them. Things do really happen a lot in that house and I prefer things are clean. Even my other housemates dirtied the place and the rubbish bin, I am the only one clean it. Sometimes my lecturer aka landlord will throw the rubbish out. When things happen, all the girl housemates move out and move in all the boys from my college.
Man those days I am totally pissed. Not only the house has already dirtied by this boys, I even help them clean a bit, and I clean the bathroom that was shared to use, in the end I got scold by this fucking-short fatso bout the toilet and for using it so long. I was bathing while cleaning the toilet and I suddenly being shoot while I dunno anything. He scolded my mum for GOD SAKE~!!!! He didn't even knock my door politely and ask me hurry, he just start scolding stuffs outside and I don even know cause I thought he was talking to someone outside. Few days later he scolded me again about the toilet being dirty. Fuck~ when he dirtied the toilet I just keep quiet and clean it for him. I just dirtied it a bit he already scolded me like there is no tomorrow.
What a rude person he is. There is no POLITENESS in his vocab. No wonder people said that short people are always grumpy. And I can't stand the dirtiness those boys made when I was living with them. So I was forced to move again. Luckily I met my friend and she willingly to help me with the room.
The funny thing is, those boys back in college they claim that me being such a lazy and dirty person. Hey come on, children...the house we are shared to lived in. Those fucking dirty spots they are the one who dirty it and make a mess out of it and I end up being back-stabbed for being lazy and don't wanna clean up? Plus I wasn't paid to clean up their mess...The whole house, except my room only my shoes are in the living room and my shoes always are well put and tidy. But when they got home, they step on my shoes and make it fly all over the place. I still haven't complain bout them and they complain about me??? They even eat my stuffs in the refrigerator and I just keep quiet and this is WHAT I GET??????? The funny thing is, the guy, I saw him took my food out from the refrigerator and I was looking at him...THAT WAS MY FOOD HE TOOK~!!!!!!!!!!! Then I ignore it cause his still new in the house so I just let him eat and take it as a treat to him for being the new member.
And there is this one guy I liked, I even confess to him. It's ok for him to reject me and I don't mind cause of my tomboyish outlook, it's normal for anyone to reject me. But after for sometime then I know something...he created a story out which I never mention or ask...saying me this and that, requesting him stuffs and so on while I didn't~!!!! I just say "It's ok. Let's be friends back."
JUST THIS~!!!!!! But he go all over the college and say I am being so reluctant, asking him not to say this or that and watsoever...
Ok~ fine...past is a past already. I keep quiet again. And for those days I was so friendly with this person also. I got too friendly with him and let him do whatever he wants on me till he doesn't respect me at all, hit me, punch me whenever he wants, saying that I am worthless in front of juniors of mine, pull my bra stripe...OMG~ His a male lecturer some more. I told him to stop but no~ ok...I couldn't take it anymore so I end up purposely make him angry at me...then eventually he stop talking to me and started to spread rumours about me and back stabbed me in front of others, lecturers and my juniors. Wow, he actually made me famous in my college. And the thing he done and said, is damn childish. Luckily there are some friends they believe in me and ignore to everything that he said about me. I can say, luckily I have those who believed in me. Cause those times when I had trouble with kind of persons in my college, even my family is also giving me pressures, troubles and worries. And I had some friends are their for me.
Ok, all of this is a past already.Past is past. I just keep myself distance and quiet. I keep on keeping things deep within me. And there are something I also am sorry to a few friends. And I learned my lesson and I promised I won't do it again.NEVER.
Did I actually change because of all this pressures and tension I got? I wonder...but my family said that I'd change...I had change into an angry person. Cause those days I often lose my temper in front of them. Cause I also don't like the things that they talked about other people. Cause I am a person that won't talk about other people unless that person makes me angry...damn angry that kind. And the tings they said also pissed me off. So I often lose my temper on them, especially my dad. The things he said, he don't even think of himself 1st before he bad mouth other people. This is one of the problem I don like to talk to him.
Till now is still the same. And I know I can't talk to him and ask for advise. Cause I know he will give me a pile of bullshits. When I tried to talk to my mum, I did talk and let her know but she seems like she don't even wanted to care. I know she's listening but she look the other way and pretend she's not listening. So sometimes I will talk to her. But till my sister are back from Australia, her intentions everything will goes to her. So I will felt lonely for sometime and I even felt anger is burning in my heart. I know she went to overseas and had a great life there and my parents seldom sees her. I understand this but sometimes I just wanted someone to hear me talking. Maybe I am too tame towards my siblings till they all bully me. Being an elder sister is not easy. I am too easy on them. Whatever they want I just give. But things end up me being bully by them. Yeah I know they love me too deep inside. They just wanna have fun. But I feel sad cause even my youngest bro compare me to my 2nd sister. They still haven't learn this word bout comparison. People should not do any comparing to each other. She is she, me is me. We all have our own specialty. That's why when I don't compare my friends nor my family. But when they start comparing in front of me, i will felt angerness is filling up within me.
And my watsoever aunt and uncle that back-stabbed me...when they know that my sister got back and even learn how to drive a plane, WOW~ I can see the both of them quickly change face and direction...start barking like a dog begging for treat. The more I look at them the more I felt disgust and annoyed. Yeah I know...they are just barking at a tree fill with money. They are trying to buy my sis heart cause they know what my sis is doing. DAMN~ they really know how to lick someone shoes...
My mum is even funnier. Before she was the one asking me to take Graphic Design. After 4 years and there is a problem with my course cause I change to Multimedia Animation, now she claim that she thought I was taking Interior Design or Building Design. Ever since my sis is back this year, what ever I said and done is useless. No one listens. But whatever my sis says and done, everyone looks up on her. I know she went to overseas but it doesn't mean she's right in everything. This 4 years whatever my mums forbid us to do, I don't do it. Neither dating, colouring my hair, fixing my eyebrow or anything that she doesn't like, I didn't do it. But while my sis, ever since she went to Australia, she done everything that my mum forbidden but she was still the right one. What about me? Till then I notice I wasn't important. Maybe I was too obeying to them till they ignore my existence. I keep having this depression. I can't say nor tell anyone...
Was this all because of my course? But all this year without any support from my family I manage to stay till now. All I want from them is to care what I am doing in KK. Ask me where am I. Am I happy or not. Ask me things that i wanted to answer. But every time I got back to my hometown, all I get is depression and sadness.
My sis also, she thinks whatever she thinks is right. She don't even want to understand my circumstances, my situation and why I started to think like that, what am I thinking...everything. She just thinks that whatever she think, done and said is correct. She don't even think carefully bout some wordings are not ment to be said. Whatever happen to her back in Australia, I never mention it and I respect her cause I do not know what had happen to her and her life there and her situation...It's because I dunno so I didn't say much bout her...but while her, not knowing a thing of how I manage my life here...she just shoot me whenever she felt like it and don't even think and look deeply into my situations.
Outside people I know, they started rumours bout me that makes me really so not happy. It's ok they don't want to understand me but what I want is my own family to understands me. Understand what am I thinking. But what they think of is one sided only, they don't even really think for 2 sides. Sometimes it really breaks my heart. Some of my besties breaks my heart too.
Sometimes I really wish to disappear from this world. This world gave me too much sadness. The only thing that gave me happiness is mangas, animes, songs, some videos, movies and drawing. And I come to know God as well, I know His listening to me, I know His seeing deep inside my heart, He knows how I felt, I know he knows what I am thinking and I know He knows that I care for the world...
I really wish I can help the world but I dunno how. I wanna have my own earning and ability to help. I wanna save all those children and animals and those people whom are being abused by the environment and the world. I wanna save everything. I wanna save everyone.
I know what I wanna to be in the future. So I will try to work it out now. Cause I know in the future there is no one for me. Maybe there is someone waiting for me somewhere. This is my only hope for now. Now I am living my days normally just to hope I can meet this someone that will truly understands me....Cause I am someone who is damn faithful...
If you believe only me, then i will believe only you...
They had one for morning boost milk but I don't think I need that so I only get the night one.
One of my most favorable snacks that I love the most to chew my time out if I have stresses while doing my work.
The most best companion of all. Instant noodles to the rescue~ Fast and save me a lot of time so I can work on my stuffs and games ^^
