There is a time where people says "好马不吃回头草". A word that passed down from generations to generations. And I know this meaning deeply. Ever since she walked away from my life, my life has become deeply down and lifeless because I also need to live through her cruelty of ignorance. If it wasn't my friend who talked to her...till this day she won't even care about me at all...
I got her sms yesterday, 26 November 2009 at 11.34pm while I was enjoying my Twilight movie. A bit spoiled my mood already but I didn't read. I kept it till the movie ends then I open it. After I read, I don't feel anything. I guess I'm numb already towards her. Especially the one she said she cried while she was typing the sms to me. Then suddenly something came in my mind. "She can cry?"
She cut me too deep. Deep enough I can make myself drown and suffocate. And it took me a month to get over her. Those days I suffer all day long. I can't even look at her, I can't even sleep cos of her, I can't even stop crying cos of her, I can't even do my work cos of her, I can't even talk cos of her, I am so down and miserable cos of her, I can't even take my mind off her cos of her words and lastly the worse, I can't even listen to her voice. I even get myself drunk and got home crying cos of what? For what???
Everything about her is tearing me apart. Now just one sms with a sorry word and crying. I don't think that can cover everything of what I had shed and felt for more than half year. Yes, I can forgive her and act like nothing had happen. But the only problem is, I can not be the usual self anymore. I can't laugh like always like we used to be together talking. Maybe when she ask me something I will answer it coldly with only one word of reply or maybe not.
Why? Why it has to be after a month then you apologise? Why do you apologise after I'm done pushing myself down the hole? Why do you apologise after everything ended? Why do you apologise after I'm done with you and healing myself? Why do you apologise now but not from the beginning? Your egoness is the damn thing that make you late for everything. You unrealization is the damn thing that make you looses me. If he doesn't spoke to you and talk about it you won't even care a damn thing about me, right?
You know what funny thing is when you reply me, you said do I still wanna keep ignoring you...come on man, you're the one who said you won't talk to me anymore and ignores me and now you said I ignores you? Who doesn't ignore after you said something like that?
People besides me, my other friends, told me to ignore you, told me to stop being friends with you, told me you done this once and you will do it again...but some really really ask me whether this is what I want? I even asked myself, is this what I really wanted? Reality had forced me to accept what is already done. From your attitude and those words you ever said to me make me to hate and forget. Making me to bury you deep inside my memory as someone else that walked past my life.
Days and days I keep on controlling myself from thinking bout you, avoid all the things that we ever done before, avoiding all the topics about you just to forget you. Then I end up I do not want to talk anymore. I ended up no more topics. I ended up become speechless and quiet all the time.
But now, after I am done over you, I can talk about you carefreely, I can say something about you already, I can ask about you normally and I can steadily going back to normal inclusing hearing your voice. I do not have any feelings toward you as my best friend anymore. You had become a normal person to me. You are no-body to me already. You are not special anymore to me. You are not important to me anymore. I don't need you anymore or should I say, you don't need me at all?
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